Oh, well, whatever, nevermind.

(….and any other hour of a school night in which things are just NOT what they seem. (which is everything) for once I’m naming the title of my post the correct name. I’m putting up names being it’s a different kind of theory. that makes me look stupid and crazy, being maybe it will help in some way to work with my mind to read it in a way to help with closure and other such things I shouldn’t have to explain myself okay, bye. )

My bestfriend is BEAUTIFUL inside and out and deserves the best. Yeah, cheesy right? but VERY true. she has been through way more than you (and probably I) will ever know, and I love her and her mom. for being some of the strongest people I love and respect and know. I want her to be happy. and to get through this bullshit that’s been weighting her down.

with that being said.

I have come up with so many different solutions and probably (tried and failed) -pinpointed answering coming from reread text messages, things you said, how I feel. me guessing on how you feel, and all my closest friends telling me what they think is it. and not to mention the uncounted hours I spend, turning my damn day around, to think about YOU and THIS. I am not blaming anything on you, I think I am more scolding myself for being so damn STUPID. to be honest with my self all this really leads to is tucker one day saying it all to me “I don’t love you anymore, so why are you still stuck on this” and I know. He she we I know it. So I retrace my steps to find out why it’s so hard for me to get through my head. and you know, I think it is, but there is SOMETHING, I don’t really fucking know what. but it’s there, it’s been about a year now, and I tried SO SO SO SO SOOO fucking hard to get over him. I don’t invade his life. and yes, I do rant about it and talk about it, because if I didn’t It would just all bottle inside and just be so much more worse then what it is. I have tried a lot of things, I have had one 2 week relationship since then because I liked someone (for the first time in ages)  and I don’t date, I just don’t and people think I’m stuck up for this, because that is defiantly not true. I take relationship seriously. anyways. not really what I want to get off topic to. I have and I think I still am (people I change how I see this so many times ) am done. I want to be done, because no, I don’t want to love tucker anymore. and I don’t want to feel ANY of these feelings I am. I don’t want them anymore. I don’t do anything with them. and don’t you dare tell me expressing them to him is the right thing to do. because I already have, while we were dating, and I don’t think he really got it (or cared, saying this from actions that have been done) no I will not write him a 100 page letter saying my undying love for him, and how it hurts everyday thinking about what happened, and deep down I still need closure to something. you know why? - Because, I really don’t care about looking stupid. I look stupid every day of my life. I would look stupid because it would glance at it and maybe laugh, and probably show it to someone to share a laugh. and plus, I think it’s a little extreme to do. but because it’s not right, and in the way of not right I mean, he is in a relationship and is happy, KEY WORD happy. something everyone wants and he has it. and who am I of all being to be prodding around trying to poke holes where ever I can, that’s disgusting. It’s disgusting when people in their “right” mind tamper with someone else’s happiness. and ME of all people? who am I? I think I kind of know, I would have never, and still don’t stick up for what I deserve because I think about other people reading this, and thinking wow she’s wrong or yeah she’s crazy. well okay. you still don’t know shit, do you? I deserve closure, some kind of closure I dont know what. and don’t know how. all I know is, yes. I do. and to be honest I’m scared, I’m scared to have it because it’s going to hurt. more than any kind of physical pain I have been through. it will be frustrating to know that this whole time I have been driving my self to damn near insanity to have one person say a few words and it just be “closure” I’m scared that he will half ass “closure” and just be like there you go, here is it, you know why? because he doesn’t need it. he has it. but if he really cared about me some where DEEP down all Im asking for, is it use it some how you undertstand that it fucking HURTS. to have yourself in circles. to love someone you DON’T want to love and have NO right loving. I’m really sorta kind of sick of my own bullshit. I just want this behind me, but it’s hovering over me.